Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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