i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
