The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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