Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
