1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
