chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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