watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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