It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
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Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
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If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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