I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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