I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
