Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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