The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You ruined the universe
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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