just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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