1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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