My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
