i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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