just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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