John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
