Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
time to smoke my breakfast
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
