i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's get the cat blown out
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
