i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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