I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
