If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
