It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
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it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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