I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
