Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I CAN MOONWALK!
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
