the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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