Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
