Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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