DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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