Farmville is her only friend.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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