There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
either way he was missing a nipple.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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