I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
