I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
