he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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