Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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