I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
