Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
