My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Help. Why am I so naked?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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