the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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