i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
