and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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