That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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