Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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