if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
