Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
