You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
