So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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