Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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