I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
