Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
