he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
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My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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