I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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