One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
