I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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