i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
