If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
