Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
