Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
