Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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