i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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