U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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